How to talk about money as a couple: ‘Money Together’ authors

Annie Nova: You guys wrote that couples fight about money, no matter how much or little of it they have. Why do you think this is?

Heather Boneparth: Because money is more than money. Some of the feelings we associate with money include love, security, independence, trust, and control, and this applies to people of any socioeconomic background. But when there is scarcity, you see shame rear its head in different ways. You also see partners in conflict over what constitutes acceptable ways of earning or borrowing money, which may relate to your culture or the way you were raised.

A: Heather, you described realizing that your decision to take on $200,000 in student debt was a huge mistake. But having Doug as a partner helped you find a way out. How is that?

G: Debt may seem like a constant reminder that you lack money; Not just with money, but in other ways as well. But Doug co-signed the loan to refinance my student loan debt. Knowing the emotional impact religion had on me, this was a more expansive gesture than almost anything a partner could do. He would say: “Your burdens are my burdens.”

A: You also write that you are “embarrassed” by the idea of ​​your salvation. Why is this, and what does it have to do with entering your forties?

G: I don’t like the idea of ​​saviors and those who need rescuing in relationships. It lays the foundation for a differentiated power dynamic. Often times, this indicates that the partner who needs to save cannot save themselves, and that partner begins to believe it. They believe they do not have the skills or knowledge to participate in the family finances, when this is simply not true.

When I mention my age here, it shows that a lot can change in a decade. I have regained my self-confidence, stone by stone.

A: You write about how important it is to “make room” for your partner. What does this mean in financial terms?

G: Some of our deepest feelings about money stem from our individual backgrounds. Now, try to pair those beliefs and behaviors with someone else’s beliefs and behaviors. It’s not easy, and we don’t always take the time to understand enough about our partner’s basic feelings about money and why they do what they do. This is how you end up in frequent arguments over superficial issues like a credit card bill instead of getting to the root cause of why you and your partner have different views on lifestyle and spending.

I think “making room” from a financial perspective means making room at the table for your partner’s financial beliefs, goals, risk appetite, and opinions about how to save, spend, and invest.

A: What are the risks of failing to talk about money together, and even hiding things from your partner?

Doug Boneparth: Resentment and breakdown of trust. When you hide financial details from your partner, whether it’s debt, spending habits, or something you’re embarrassed about, they won’t stay hidden forever. Having to explain something uncomfortable later makes it more difficult to deal with.

AN: How early should a couple start talking about money?

Database: The more the better. But that doesn’t mean you have to dive straight into the numbers. Imagine talking about that on a third date? Not great. But there are many ways to talk about money without talking about money. You can learn a lot by asking questions about someone’s past, such as what their childhood was like, where they come from, and what they value.

A: What do you think is the ideal arrangement for a couple to share their money? Joint or separate accounts? And why?

Database: I have found that joint accounts to manage household expenses work best. It promotes transparency and teamwork. When both partners can see what’s going in and what’s coming out, it reinforces that you’re in this together. However, there’s nothing wrong with maintaining your own individual checking accounts as well. Maintaining your sense of financial independence can be a really healthy thing.

A: How can couples overcome a significant difference in wealth or income between them?

Database: You can’t bridge this gap if you don’t acknowledge it first. But when one partner earns or has more than that, unspoken assumptions can creep in. This is where divergent power dynamics can calcify. Instead, Heather and I wrote about “financial justice.” Fairness means that you both feel respected and respected for what you value individually and as a couple. One person may earn more while the other contributes in different but equally important ways, such as running the household, raising children, and planning for the future.

AN: What are some marital discussions to have about family wealth and inheritance? What if there is also an imbalance here, for example, where one person can inherit a large amount and another partner nothing?

Database: Conversations about family wealth and inheritance can be difficult because they are rarely just about money. They can handle a lot of sadness and expectations. The best thing couples can do is to address inherited wealth as part of a shared conversation. Talk about what that money represents, what boundaries you want around it and how it fits into your long-term goals together.

AN: There have been a lot of headlines in the news lately about layoffs. How can couples respond best when one person loses their job?

G: You don’t want to offer too quick solutions to your partner when they’re still reeling from their job loss. For some, losing your job may feel like losing your identity or power. These are heavy feelings that need some breathing space. But of course, you eventually need to address the shifts or accommodations that may need to happen in your life due to the loss of income.